How to Build Unshakable Confidence (Even When You Don't Feel It)

Hey girl.

If you clicked on a post about confidence, I already know a few things about you. You are tired of second guessing every move, tired of replaying conversations in your head, and tired of feeling like everyone else got the confidence memo except you.

Same. Been there. Cried there. Overthought there.

Confidence has always looked glamorous from the outside. The girl who walks into the room and just has it. The person who can speak up, apply for the job, flirt with the person they like, and somehow not crumble inside. For a long time I thought those people got a special confidence gene at birth and God just skipped me.

Plot twist: confidence is not magic, and it is not a personality type. It is a skill. If it is a skill, that means you can build it!

We are going to talk about what confidence really is, how your brain treats it, and practical ways to build confidence that do not require you to wake up as a totally different person tomorrow. This post connects really well to my Complete Guide to Self-Love, so if you want a deep reset on how you see yourself, that one fits right alongside this.

Grab your drink, your snacks, maybe your bonnet, and let's talk.

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What Is Confidence, Really?

Let's strip this down for a second.

Confidence is not:

• Being the loudest person in the room
• Never feeling nervous
• Loving every photo you take
• Acting like you are better than everyone else

Confidence is a quiet inner feeling of "I can handle this."

That is all.

It might sound like:

• "I might mess up, and I trust myself to recover."
• "I am new at this, and I am still allowed to try."
• "I am not perfect, and I am still worthy of being here."

Confidence does not delete fear. It changes your relationship with fear. Instead of "fear = stop," it turns into "fear = new level."

Confidence vs. Arrogance

Let's talk about the difference, since a lot of girls hold themselves back because they are scared of "looking cocky."

Arrogance:

• Puts other people down
• Needs to be the best in every room
• Cannot admit mistakes
• Uses confidence as a mask for insecurity

Real confidence:

• Knows its value without needing to prove it all day
• Lets other people shine too
• Can say "I was wrong"
• Stays curious and open to learning

One comes from fear of being small. The other comes from peace with who you are.

If you have ever dimmed yourself on purpose so no one thinks you are "doing too much," that is not humility. That is fear of other people's opinions. You shrinking does not comfort anyone who truly loves you. Take it from me, someone who learned the hard way through a few fake friendships.

Why Confidence Isn't About Perfection

Perfection is boring. Confidence grows in messy, human moments.

Think about it. Some of the most magnetic people are not flawless. They just own their quirks and keep going. They laugh at themselves. They do not disappear for six months every time they embarrass themselves one time in public.

Perfection mindset says:

• "I can speak up once I know everything."
• "I can wear that outfit once my body looks like that girl on Pinterest."
• "I can start posting once my content is as good as creators I look up to."

Confidence mindset says:

• "I can speak up and learn while I go."
• "I can wear what makes me feel good right now."
• "I can start posting with what I have and grow on the way."

If body image is one of your confidence blockers, my beginner's guide to body positivity digs into how to break free from that mindset.

If you wait for a perfect version of yourself to show up before you act, you will be waiting a very long time. Confidence comes from action. Action gives you experience, and that gives you more confidence.

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The Science Behind Confidence

Let me put my big nerd glasses on for a second.

You have a picture of yourself in your mind. This picture is your self-concept. It is built from:

• Things people said to you
• Things you said to yourself
• What you watched growing up
• Your wins and your Ls

Your brain loves being right, even when the belief is harmful. If you secretly believe "I am awkward and I always mess things up," your brain will search for proof. Every time something weird happens, it adds it to the file. "See? Told you."

That same brain can build a new file.

How Your Brain Creates Confidence

Your brain loves patterns. Give it a pattern, and it will repeat it.

Confidence builds through:

• Repetition
• Evidence
• Self-talk

Repetition:
Every time you do a scary thing and survive, your brain takes a screenshot. Over time it stops flagging that thing as "danger" and starts labeling it as "normal."

Evidence:
Your brain keeps track of your wins. The problem is, many of us refuse to count small wins. We only count huge achievements. That is like going to the gym once a month and wondering why you still feel weak. Small wins are reps.

Self-talk:
Thoughts become beliefs. Beliefs shape actions. Actions create results. Results feed your beliefs again. Confidence grows faster when your thoughts help you, not drag you. If you want phrases that train your brain in a more supportive direction, my post on Self-Love Affirmations gives you 50 ready-to-use lines.

This is why I talk so much about mindset, manifestation style thinking, and affirmations. My post on the Complete Guide to Manifestation shows how your thoughts and energy line up with your actions. Confidence fits right into that.

The Role of Body Language

Your body and brain are in a constant group chat.

Posture, facial expression, and movement all send signals. When you curl in on yourself, look down, and speak softly all the time, your body is basically whispering "I am small and unsure." Your brain listens.

Simple body shifts can give your brain new data:

• Stand with your feet planted on the ground instead of locking your knees together
• Roll your shoulders back and lift your chest
• Look people in the eye for a second before you look away
• Smile a little more than feels "natural" when you enter a room

You do not have to turn into a cartoon superhero. Tiny tweaks in body language help your brain feel safer, which helps you build confidence from the outside in.

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7 Ways to Build Lasting Confidence

Now for the juicy part. Here are seven habits and mindset shifts that helped me build confidence that lasts longer than one good hair day.

1. Celebrate Small Wins

I am BEGGING you to stop acting like the only "real" win is moving to a penthouse, getting a glam job, and waking up at 5 am with green juice in hand.

Small wins are the bricks that build that big vision.

Examples of small wins:

• Sending the email you were nervous to send
• Saying your opinion out loud in a group
• Posting the video you have been editing for weeks
• Going to the gym when you really wanted to scroll in bed
• Telling someone "that comment actually hurt my feelings"

Start a note in your phone called "Proof I am that girl." Every time you do something brave, write it down. Watch that list grow. When your brain tries to say "you never do anything right," pull that list out and argue back.

2. Challenge Negative Thoughts

Your mind can feel like a group chat with one very rude friend.

That friend says things like:

• "You sounded stupid."
• "Everyone is judging you."
• "They only invited you out of pity."

Instead of letting that inner voice talk unchecked, start questioning it.

Ask:

• "Is this a fact or a feeling?"
• "Have I handled things like this before?"
• "What would I say to a friend who had this thought?"

Then answer the same way you would answer a friend. Speak life over yourself on purpose! This connects straight to self-love work. If you want a deeper reset on your inner voice, my Complete Guide to Self-Love helps a lot with this part. For a step-by-step process to break the negative thought cycle, check out How to Stop Negative Self-Talk.

3. Prepare and Practice

Confidence loves preparation.

Think about times you felt more confident. Maybe a school presentation where you actually practiced. Maybe a gym exercise that started to feel natural. Maybe a conversation you rehearsed in your head.

Preparation signals to your brain: "I care about this and I am not going in blind."

Ways to prepare:

• For a conversation: write down key points you want to say so your mind does not blank
• For a presentation: practice out loud in your room, not just in your head
• For a date or social event: think of three topics you can bring up if the conversation gets quiet
• For content: outline your video or post so you are not freestyling everything

You do not need to rehearse every breath. You just create enough structure that your brain feels safe.

4. Use Power Poses

Yes, those awkward superhero stances actually do something.

A "power pose" is any posture that makes you feel open and grounded:

• Feet hip-width apart
• Spine long
• Shoulders relaxed and back
• Hands on hips or loose at your sides

Try this:

1. Before you walk into a room or join a call, stand like this for 30 to 60 seconds.
2. Breathe slowly and imagine your future confident self pulling up inside you.
3. Remind yourself of three times you handled hard things.

You might feel silly at first. Do it anyway. You are training your brain to associate that body language with safety and confidence.

5. Surround Yourself with Supporters

Confidence shrivels in rooms where you are constantly criticized, mocked, or dismissed.

Take a moment to scan your relationships:

• Who hyped you up last week?
• Who made you feel crazy for having emotions or dreams?
• Who celebrates your growth instead of making little comments about it?

You deserve friends and partners who:

• Speak to you with respect
• Celebrate your wins
• Remind you who you are when you forget

If your circle constantly drags you down, confidence will feel like swimming with weights around your ankles. You do not have to cut everyone off tomorrow, yet you can start shifting your energy toward people who see you clearly.

And yes, that includes your online environment. Muting or unfollowing accounts that trigger comparison or self-hate is self-protection, not drama.

6. Take Action Despite Fear

Fear will not pack its bags and leave just because you decided to build confidence.

So the move is not "wait until I am fearless." The move is "act while my heart is racing a little."

Examples:

• Apply for the job you think might be a stretch
• Post the video that shows more of your real personality
• Go to the event where you do not know everyone
• Raise your hand in class or on a call at least once

You might shake. You might stutter. You might feel like your brain left your body for a second. That is fine! Confidence grows from those moments, not from staying perfectly comfortable. Unfortunately.

Every time you act while scared, you prove to your brain that fear does not own you.

7. Keep a Success Journal

This is different from the "small wins" list. A success journal is like a highlight reel you build for yourself.

Once a week, write about:

• One moment you felt proud of yourself
• One situation you handled better than old you would have
• One compliment or kind message that touched you
• One mistake you learned from without bullying yourself

You are basically collecting evidence that you are capable, growing, and worthy. On days where your confidence feels low, read old entries. Let them remind you that this low moment is not your whole identity.

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Building Confidence in Specific Areas

Confidence is not one giant block that shows up everywhere at the same energy level. You might feel confident in one area and shaky in another.

Let's talk about a few common ones.

Confidence at Work

Work can mean school, a job, or your career as a creator or entrepreneur.

To build confidence at work:

• Ask questions instead of pretending you know everything
• Keep a folder of kind emails, good grades, client feedback, or screenshots of comments about your work
• Show up prepared to meetings or classes, even if you stayed quiet before
• Take on tasks that stretch you a little past your comfort zone

If you are building your own thing, remember that no one starts as "that girl" at the top of her field. Everyone you admire had a first day, a first upload, a first awkward email. Confidence grew from repetition, not from hiding until they got perfect.

Confidence in Relationships

Relationships can either build your confidence or drain it.

Signs you feel confident in a relationship:

• You speak your needs without feeling like a burden
• You do not tolerate disrespect, even from someone you love
• You are not obsessed with "earning" their love every second
• You can spend time alone without panicking that they will leave

If you notice that your personality changes completely around certain people, or that you feel small next to them, check in with yourself. Ask:

• "Do I like who I am around this person?"
• "Do I feel seen and heard here?"

Confidence in relationships starts with self-respect. That is why pairing this post with my Complete Guide to Self-Love helps so much. Self-love sets the standard. Confidence helps you hold that standard.

Confidence in Your Body

Ah, the body stuff.

I grew up feeling weird about my height and my curly hair. I wanted to hide. Now my height and curls are part of my brand. That flip did not happen overnight.

Body confidence does not mean you love every angle, every day. It means you stop treating your body like an enemy that needs to be punished.

Steps that helped me:

• Wearing clothes that actually fit my body type instead of trying to squeeze into trends that were not made for me
• Moving my body regularly, not from hate, but from care
• Speaking kindly to my reflection, even on bloated days
• Following more creators with similar features so my eyes could see beauty in bodies like mine

Talk to your body like it is on your team. Because it is. It carries you through every goal, every relationship, every outfit, every moment. Confidence grows a lot faster when your body feels like home instead of a problem to fix.

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Confidence is not one big moment where everything changes and you never feel shy again. Confidence is a relationship with yourself that grows every time you choose courage over comfort.

You do not need to flip a switch and become a new person tonight. Pick one thing from this post:

• Start a "small wins" note
• Practice a power pose before a call
• Correct one rude thought in your head each day
• Plan a brave action for this week

Your future self, the version of you who walks into rooms with quiet peace, will look back at this era and thank you for starting.

You are allowed to take up space. You are allowed to speak. You are allowed to build confidence step by step, even if your hands shake while you do it.