Building Self-Esteem: A Complete Step-by-Step Guide

Hi honey!

If you searched anything like "building self-esteem" or "why do I feel so hard on myself," I want you to know you are not broken. You are not dramatic. You just have a loud inner critic and a quiet inner best friend right now. We are going to flip that.

Self-esteem is basically how you see yourself when nobody is watching. Not your cute Instagram version. The version that looks in the mirror at 11 pm in a messy t-shirt and starts spinning a whole story in her mind.

I used to stand in front of that mirror and drag myself for everything. My skin, my height, my body, my channel, my past choices. Then I would turn around and be the most encouraging person to my friends, subscribers, and strangers on the internet. Make it make sense...it doesn't.

If you have not read my Complete Guide to Self-Love yet, that page is the big sister manual for loving yourself. This one is your step-by-step guide for self-esteem specifically, so you can feel steady in who you are, not just in what you do.

Grab your drink, your snacks, your bonnet or a comfy blanket, and let's talk!

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What Is Self-Esteem?

Self-esteem is the story you believe about yourself.

Not the story you post. The one that runs in your head:

• "I am capable" or "I always mess things up."
• "I am lovable" or "Everyone leaves."
• "I am interesting" or "Nobody really wants me around."

Self-esteem sits underneath your choices. If your inner story says "I am not worth much," you might stay in trash situations, play small, or never go for things you secretly want.

If your inner story says "I am valuable," you move differently. You speak up, you set standards, you leave where you are not respected.

Self-Esteem vs. Self-Confidence

People mix these up all the time, so let's separate them.

Self-confidence is how sure you feel about a skill or area.
"I am good at editing."
"I know how to style my hair."
"I can speak in front of a camera."

You can feel confident in some areas and still have low self-esteem.

Self-esteem is how you feel about you at the core.
Am I worthy?
Am I lovable?
Am I enough?

A person can post photos, speak on stage, get good grades, and still feel like trash deep down. That was me for a while. People saw this funny, chatty girl on YouTube. Inside, I still felt like the awkward teen version of me that did not fully accept herself.

If you want to zero in on confidence by itself, I created a page called Build Unshakable Confidence where I talk more about that side. Self-esteem is the foundation underneath that confidence.

How Self-Esteem Forms

You did not wake up at five years old saying, "I am the worst." Somewhere along the way, your brain picked up messages and turned them into a story.

Self-esteem builds from:

• How your parents or caregivers treated you
• How teachers and adults spoke to you
• Friend groups, bullying, or being ignored
• Culture, beauty standards, comments on your body
• Social media and comparison
• Moments where you "failed" and how people responded

Your brain is always collecting data. If you heard more criticism than encouragement, your mind learned to talk to you in that tone.

The good news: if your self-esteem formed over time, it can be rebuilt over time too. You are not stuck with the first script you picked up!

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Signs of Low Self-Esteem

Let's be honest for a second. A lot of people have low self-esteem and call it "just how I am." So I want to show you some signs, so you can see where you stand right now.

Negative Self-Talk Patterns

That little voice in your head speaks all day. If you do not check it, it will run you.

Common self-talk patterns that point to low self-esteem:

• You call yourself names: "stupid," "lazy," "ugly," "annoying."
• You turn small mistakes into huge character statements:
  "I missed one deadline, so I am a failure in life."
• You talk about yourself like you are a problem:
  "I ruin everything." "I am too much." "People always leave me."

Think of it this way. If you recorded your thoughts for one day and played them out loud, would you let anyone talk to your little sister like that? If the answer is no, something needs to change.

If you want a full page focused just on this, I have a post called Stop Negative Self-Talk where I break down how to flip that script step by step.

Difficulty Accepting Compliments

Someone says, "You look so pretty today," and your brain goes:

• "They are lying."
• "They are just being nice."
• "It is only the filter."

Or you reject the compliment out loud:
"Oh no, my hair looks crazy, I look a mess."

Struggling to receive compliments is not random. If your self-esteem is low, nice words feel unsafe. Your brain thinks, "This does not match my story about myself," so it pushes them away.

We are going to practice letting compliments land later in this guide, so stay with me.

People-Pleasing Behaviors

People-pleasing looks cute on the surface. You are "sweet," "the nice one," the girl who never says no.

Underneath, it often looks like:

• Saying yes when you want to scream no
• Agreeing with opinions just to avoid conflict
• Taking care of everyone else and never yourself
• Laughing off disrespect so people do not feel uncomfortable
• Staying in friendships that feel heavy, so you are not alone

That pattern usually comes from low self-esteem. If you do not believe you are worthy on your own, you might think you need to earn your spot by over-serving everyone around you.

You deserve relationships where you can show up as your real self, not just your "helpful" self.

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8 Steps to Build Healthy Self-Esteem

Time for the fun part!We are not just calling out patterns. We are building a new story with actual steps you can follow.

You do not have to master all eight at once. Pick one or two to start, then stack from there.

1. Identify Your Core Beliefs

Self-esteem starts with what you believe about yourself at the deepest level.

Grab your journal or notes app and finish these sentences honestly, no filter:

• "I am the type of person who…"
• "People usually treat me like…"
• "The thing I secretly believe about myself is…"
• "If someone really knew me, they would think I am…"

Let anything come out, even if it sounds dramatic or harsh. You are not writing your destiny. You are revealing the current script.

When I did this, I realized I had beliefs like "I am too much," "My emotions are annoying," and "People will get tired of me." No wonder my self-esteem felt shaky.

Once you see your beliefs on paper, you can work with them. You cannot change what you pretend is not there.

2. Challenge Distorted Thoughts

Our brains love drama. A small thing goes wrong and suddenly it turns into "I ruin everything." That is a distorted thought.

Common distortions:

• All-or-nothing thinking: "If I am not perfect, I am a failure."
• Mind reading: "She did not text back, so she hates me."
• Catastrophizing: "I messed up once, my life is over."
• Labeling: "I failed that test, so I am dumb."

When you notice a thought like this, pause and ask:

• "Is this a fact or a feeling?"
• "What evidence do I actually have?"
• "What would I say to a friend thinking this?"

Then write or say a more balanced thought. For example:

• Old: "I always mess things up."
  New: "I made a mistake. I am learning, and I can try again."

This is not fake positivity. This is refusing to bully yourself with lies.

If you need more practice with this, my page Stop Negative Self-Talk gives more examples you can copy and adjust.

3. Practice Self-Acceptance

Self-acceptance does not mean you stop growing. It means you stop hating yourself while you grow!

Instead of, "I will like myself when my body looks different," try, "I am learning to show myself kindness in this body, even as I work toward goals."

Instead of, "I should be further by now," try, "I am on my own timeline, and I can honor where I am today."

Think of acceptance as that deep breath you take when you stop fighting reality. You see yourself clearly, and instead of attacking, you say "Okay, this is me right now. What do I need?"

If you want to go deeper into this, my post Practice Self-Compassion is all about treating yourself with the same kindness you give everyone else.

4. Set and Achieve Small Goals

Nothing boosts self-esteem like proving to yourself that you can trust your own word.

Start tiny. I am serious. Pick one thing you know you can do:

• Make your bed every morning.
• Walk for ten minutes a day.
• Read five pages of a book.
• Put your phone in another room for the first thirty minutes after you wake up.

Write your goal and the time frame, for example, "For the next seven days, I will drink one full glass of water after I wake up."

Each time you complete it, celebrate. Tell yourself, "See, we follow through."

Your brain starts to connect "I say I will do something" with "I actually do it." That builds trust. Trust builds self-esteem.

Once the tiny goal feels automatic, you can add a slightly bigger one. That is how I built my discipline with YouTube, the gym, and Vlogmas. One promise at a time.

5. Develop Your Strengths

You are good at things, even if your brain shrugs them off.

Maybe you are:

• Great at listening
• Hilarious in group chats
• Creative with outfits
• Amazing with kids
• A natural leader in group projects
• Organized with schedules
• A fire storyteller

Low self-esteem tells you none of that matters. That is a lie.

Make a list called "Things I Am Good At." Yes, I know your brain just said, "Nothing." Write anyway. Ask a trusted friend if you need help.

Then, find ways to use these strengths more often:

• If you love helping people, mentor a younger cousin or sibling.
• If you are creative, join a club, post your art, or design your room.
• If you are organized, plan a group trip or study schedule.

Self-esteem grows when you see yourself in action and think, "Wait, I am actually kind of fire at this."

6. Take Care of Your Body

Body and mind are besties. If you treat your body like a random object, your self-esteem will feel it.

You do not need a perfect routine. Focus on a few basics:

• Move your body regularly: gym, walks, yoga, stretching in your room.
• Feed yourself real food often: add fruit, veggies, and protein where you can.
• Hydrate. Your brain needs water to function.
• Sleep. Late-night scrolling that leaves you exhausted the next day is not helping.

When I stop moving and eat junk nonstop, my mood drops, my motivation disappears, and my self-talk gets harsher. When I get back to lifting, walking, and cooking at home, my mind calms down.

Treat your body like a home, not a project that never measures up. That alone shifts your sense of worth.

7. Surround Yourself with Support

You can do a lot of work on yourself, yet your environment still matters.

Ask yourself:

• Do my friends hype me up or tear me down with "jokes"?
• Do I leave hangouts feeling recharged or drained?
• Do the people I follow on social media make me feel inspired or insecure?

You deserve support that matches the self-esteem you are building:

• Friends who celebrate your wins
• People who call you out with love, not shame
• Partners who respect your boundaries
• Online spaces that remind you of your strength, not your "flaws"

This does not mean drop everyone today. It means become picky about who gets a front row seat in your life. It really does make a huge difference and it is THAT important.

8. Be Patient with Yourself

This is the part nobody wants to hear, but I refuse to lie to you.

Building self-esteem takes time.

You are rewriting a story you might have believed for ten or fifteen years. That does not flip in one journal session or one cute quote.

You will have days where you feel like a main character, and days where your brain drags you back into old habits. That does not mean you failed. It means you are human.

When those days come, return to your tools:

• Re-read your new beliefs.
• Say your affirmations out loud.
• Revisit small goals you know you can hit.
• Talk to someone who reminds you who you are.

Think of self-esteem like a muscle. The more reps you do, the stronger it grows.

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Maintaining Healthy Self-Esteem Long-Term

Once you start feeling better about yourself, the goal is to keep that energy, not drop back into old patterns after one rough week.

Here are some ways to maintain healthy self-esteem over time:

• Create a monthly check-in: Once a month, journal on questions like, "How do I feel about myself right now?" "Where did I respect myself this month?" "Where did I ignore my needs?"
• Keep proof of your growth: Screenshot kind messages, comments, and reminders that show you how far you have come. On bad days, read them.
• Protect your boundaries: If something or someone consistently makes you feel small, pay attention and adjust access.
• Return to your base habits: When life feels chaotic, come back to the basics: sleep, movement, food, journaling, prayer, or whatever keeps you grounded.

Self-esteem is not about never wobbling. It is about knowing how to come back home to yourself when you do.

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If nobody told you this yet today: you are not behind, you are not too much, and you are not stuck with an old story. You are learning, you are growing, and you are allowed to feel proud of yourself for every step, no matter how small it looks from the outside.

I am cheering for you, always!